How to Fight Fair with Your Partner
It’s a time of heaviness and yet, we’re more inclined to think with our hearts, focused on building relationships. Yes, it has a little to do with Valentine’s Day coming up. Also a little to do with the Family Day long weekend, where we can rest with our loved ones for a bit (or take advantage of this wonderful winter weather respite!). Mostly it has to do with the fact that we’re faced with hard choices around our finances, time, and energy in order to make it through the year ahead. Our relationships inspire us or can hold us back, depending on where we’re at mentally and physically.
Researchers challenged a popular assumption, as described in “Happy wife, happy life? A harmonious relationship is the responsibility of both partners”. The author was part of a international team led by professor Matthew Johnson of the University of Alberta, and through process, analyzed over 50,000 relationship satisfaction reports.
“Our results imply that maintaining a relationship is a shared responsibility. This underscores the idea that partners influence one another and jointly shape romantic relationship satisfaction.”
So, we thought it might be helpful to remind our community that conflict isn’t a bad word, more so an opportunity to open our hearts and actively listen to each other. Here are some insightful article and book recommendations, for you to improve how you relate in your professional and personal life.
In Psychology Today’s article, “Fighting Fair in Love and Marriage”, you review 7 critical aspects of couple’s conflict. A bonus is that you can find a complete directory of local psychologist’s that specialize in your type of conflict and/or relationship. Don’t forget to check their potential bias around your story, and be prepared to get a bit vulnerable in order for the solutions to feel meaningful to you and your partner. This improves the likelihood that you’ll both adopt modified behaviour recommendations.
While published in 2018, Time Magazine’s article, “This Is the Best Way To Fight With Your Partner, According to Psychologists” is an accessible overview of research and societal values around conflict in relationships.
Books to further explore:
How to Fight by Thich Nhat Hanh. Parallax Press, 2017.
The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner. HarperCollins, 1997.
Messages: The Communication Book by Matthew McKay, Martha Davis, and Patrick Fanning. New Harbinger Publications, 1995.
Love is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relational Problems Through Cognitive Therapy by Aaron T. Beck. Harper Perennial, 1989.
Fighting the Good Fight: Learning to Deal with Conflict Constructively in Permanent Partners: Building Gay and Lesbian Relationships that Last (pgs. 169-200) by Betty Berzon. Plume, 2004.
The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage by George Robert Bach, Peter Wyden. Morrow, 1969.
